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Blue Personal Objects

Couple Science Blog

When you start hating your partner

It's heartbreaking when we feel like we are falling out of love with our partner. Worse yet, is experiencing real feelings of hatred for them.

At CoupleScience, our experience with couples reveals that when we explore the true thoughts and feelings behind the hate and anger, it's not necessarily as laser focused on your actual partner as you may have thought.

Just like we tell our kids "I love you, but I'm unhappy with your behavior", you can have a similar experience when you dislike your partner's actions, behaviors, mindsets, annoying habits, or problematic reactions towards you.

In other words, it's conceivable that you still love your partner, but conflicts have risen to a point where it's difficult to find and feel that love.

We recommend you don't let extremely negative thoughts fester towards your spouse, and do your best to work out the conflicts in a caring and respectful way.

If that sounds impossible given your current situation, then it may be time for professional help to remediate your relationship.

The truth is, if we don't face conflicts and find ways to resolve them without tearing up trust, commitment and love, then things hardly ever improve all on their own.

Plus it feels terrible to experience so much negativity towards someone you chose to be with for the rest of your life!

In nearly every case, partners who have acted negatively towards their partners are not really bad people, they are stuck in bad situations and don't know what to do.

But over time, negative energy can take over a relationship and you can feel very stuck in a marriage. It's like loving a restaurant but eventually hating the food there. The original concept of the bond with your partner begins to be the shell within which conflict and resentments build.

The Gottman Institute of Seattle Washington has researched thousands of couples over several decades. They determined it actually takes a 5:1 ratio of positive things to negative things to make a relationship work.

So take some time to sit down and make a list of the things you really appreciate about your partner, and don't hesitate to share your positive list with them. Amazingly, even when only one partner is able to take a positive step, oftentimes it's enough to get the ball rolling for both partners.

It's almost always worth a try at least. And CoupleScience has an array of other interventions which can be applied specifically to your relationship, to help you achieve the goal of peace, sanity, love and friendship in your home.

copyright April 2022, all rights reserved


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